four.
Sweet son,
Today the sky is the exact opposite of when Jesus came to walk with you home. The sky is gray and air filled with wetness compared to the crisp, blue-skied day you began seeing Him face to face. Perhaps it matches the dichotomy of grief or maybe the polar ends that Yahweh stretches with me in the sadness.
Twice yesterday I remembered what today would bring. “Colby’s heavenversary is tomorrow.” I suddenly spoke out loud to one child, surprised that the normal continuous funk had not settled in the week before.
The “How are you doing?” message flashed across my screen from another child away from home. It took me a split second to realize the unspoken behind the spoken. “Good.” was the honest reply.
“Because of our God’s merciful compassion,
the dawn from on high will visit us
to shine on those who live in darkness
and the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the way of peace”
Yet today, I write this with dampness in my eyes that matches the dew in the air. It’s never going to be okay, but it is still good. Your spirit will always linger just underneath the surface of our new normal. A silently loud presence that comes with the miss of a love deeply missed.
I have been reflecting on the graciousness of the Lord to collect the tears in a bottle... to sit with me in the silence... to quietly show that there is more than this life when my heart feels the singe of the fire... to reign and rain down peace in the unknowns while tilling the beauty of now.
It has been four years of grief walking, sometimes laying down to rest the weary soul, and there is no declaration of conquering the mountain. I do not think that truly happens for those who experience a deep or tragic loss. Although we in Christ can become a little wiser, more empathetic and more willing to look in the dark, hard places to reflect His shine. But, until Heaven, there are yearning spaces in our hearts that look forward to all He intended.
For today, that space belongs to you, Colby. I am so grateful you are seeing fully what I must still believe through faith. My heart stitch bulges a little with the missing but I now have experienced enough to know He is right here ready to mend any new tears.
Happy Heavenversary, Son. I am choosing to worship a thousand times today the Dawn From On High you now get to worship every moment… until I am standing again beside you saying it was all worth it.