colby

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colby.

affectionately known as thing no.2, colby-snacks, colby cheese or deuce deuce around here.

last week, i heard four words that made my heart drop...

"colby has a mass."

those who know me, know i am not one prone to dramatics or crying.

when crisis comes, i usually become very precise and curt and focus on the task at hand.

i'm the one who always says we are not going to go there until we need to go there.

and i turn to God (almost always).

and humor (usually).

so even though he had been complaining of a headache for about a week prior,

(which we kind of...well, we did...blow off because he wasn't bleeding, broken or on fire...)

and he woke up in intense pain on the day his school was supposed to travel up to Young Life camp for a retreat and said his head was really hurting

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(which he had been looking forward to returning to camp for a year)

and he starting vomiting uncontrollably with no relief from what his pediatrician thought was a migraine,

i still was not expecting to hear those words.

and i'm not going to lie...for about three hours on Thursday, my mind went there.

it took every effort in me to hold every thought captive to His grace and truth.

now, i am struggling with articulating where my peace is coming from...

is it from the neurosurgeon who is optimistic that the brain tumor is benign

or is it God's unspoken and holy peace that surpasses our understanding?

i don't want to put my hope in a man (even one who is skilled and experienced as he is)

but i don't want to negate that his words, just like God's words, have been honey to my ears and soothing to my soul.

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it was a long week last week...did i mention that kai had surgery on monday to repair her acl?

but we've seen God's faithfulness and sovereignty in the minute details...

us deciding, after much angst, to settle in charlotte for the time being and now colby's neurosurgeon who also moved here last year is one of the best in the country.

us moving into a house in june that is five minutes from the hospital.

having our sweet friend and sister in Christ here who hopped in her car and drove for four hours to help us as soon as she heard to help us.

(we met briefly through a mutual friend six years ago when she lived in houston and two years ago, God moved her to georgia and she has been a staple in our house)

bryant making the difficult decision to step away from coaching last year because he felt God's nudging that it wasn't his season for coaching.

(we have since experienced a brother and a mother with cancer.  i am grateful that bryant was given his time back to be available and present.)

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old friends and new friends who have just been there for us in ways that brings tears to my eyes.

(we are so, so blessed to share a little bit of heaven together this side of eternity)

last week was a hard week, but it was a week when the big kids were off from school.

it's not a coincidence that my women's bible study is going through the book of james this year...

"count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  james 1:2-4

two weeks ago, i completely studied and marinaded in those verses.

my sweet friend who sent me a text last week with this quote from a beth moore bible study she was doing...

"faith unchallenged is faith unchanged."

i am doing same study with a friend and recognized it immediately.

certainly not last, this morning at 4:30am, a new friend sent me a text...

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"faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen"  hebrews 11:1

i have so been struggling with my faith even before this valley.

treating God like a sugar daddy or burger king...you know, have it your way.

my mind is my biggest stumbling block.  i want to know certainties. i want conclusive answers.

but this morning, that text and those words hit me in a different way.

my faith is in Him.  He is more and He knows more than me.  He is gracious and just.  He is the ultimate healer and provider.  He gives life and takes it away.  He can be known but His ways are not my ways.  i cannot please him without a faith that is at peace with not having all the answers.

so i struggled with throwing this out there on social media.

for some reason, this felt personal and intimate amongst all the social media noise.

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but i woke up this morning thinking about my journal and wanted to share.

partly because i cannot respond to all the texts and emails from friends who heard and reached out to me.  i wish i could but lack of time and exhaustion wins out lately rather than a heart of gratitude for the notes of encouragement.

partly because i am fighting the view that all social media is bad or narcissistic.  it can be a very useful tool in times like these.

partly because i want to acknowledge God's faithfulness in the midst of the storm rather than at the end.  He IS and He is good in the midst of...inspite of...and even if...

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so i am putting it out there...we do not believe in throwing good vibes out into the universe.  we believe in a God who is able to do abundantly and exceedingly more than we can ask or conceive.  we believe He is the Divine Healer and Physician.  we believe that ALL things work towards the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (even the scary and unknown things).

and if you are a praying brother or sister, we would love and covet your prayers for Godlike precision for the surgeon today and God's healing for Colby.